It is 5:30am. I have been asleep for exactly 3 hours.¹

I wake up because I feel hot dragon dog breath on my cheek. I open my eyes and glare at Harley.

Harley (nudging me): “I need to go pooooooop.”
Me: “It’s snowing outside. I need sleep.”
Harley: “And I need to release! I need a walk. Now.”
Me: “Nono, you don’t understand. It is cold and SNOWING outside! Hold it! BACK TO BED!”
Harley: “Pooopy time. 5:30 a.m. is POOOPY time!”
Me: “Seriously it is SNOWING!”
Harley: “Listen. You have two options: let your balls drop, get off your ass, and take me outside, or kennel me and mop up my brown river of stink tomorrow.”
Me: “I will kill you.”

So when we get outside…

…Harley stops and looks at me like,

Harley: “Wait! It’s gross and cold…”
Me: “SEE! I told you so! God dammit! I told you so!”
Harley: “I’m a dog. I can’t actually understand a word you say to me.”
Me: “Understand this: you dragged me out of bed and I’m murderous. YOU BETTA SHIT.”

He certainly understood that.

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