My tax reading at Dunn Brothers (a coffee chain) was interrupted by some heavy drama.

First, I had the mildly annoying situation of my coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading…

The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:

Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”

Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…”

Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”

Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me – I’m on the white part of town.”

Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”

Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”

Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”

So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I love that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black-comments and asked Flem to leave.

Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”

The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:

Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”

Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”

Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”

Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”

Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”

Flem apparently didn’t see the five Somalis, the Mexican dude, or me.

Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone gasps. The scene is charged and totally awkward.

This man is literally standing in the doorway, head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum in Wal-Mart. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!

Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…