Sarah sits two rows behind me in my Conflicts of Law class.

The seating situation of the classroom is important to explain the hot messitude, so here is a diagram:

The blue rectangles are the tables. The seating is tiered.

I sit in seat A.

Sarah is in seat B.

Brenda is in seat C, and Bill is in seat D.

Jill is in seat E.

Because Sarah sits almost directly behind me, I cannot see her unless I fully turn around. I can easily see Bill and Brenda if I turn to the side. I can see Jill without turning.

So throughout Conflicts yesterday I kept hearing this nasty, mucusy coughing. It was the type of wet coughing that makes everyone who hears it visualize the gunk and puss sloshing around in the cougher’s throat.

Gross. I know.

The coughing was interrupted by that nasty “sucking my snot in” sound.

After a while it became distracting, so I turned slightly and looked at Bill and Brenda. Both looked horrified.

The second time I turned around, both Bill and Brenda had their faces covered with their jackets. Maybe someone farted?

The entire time I see Jill’s face becoming more and more distorted. She’s watching a train wreck.

I turn again and see that Brenda moved to the back row! Bill is shielding his face with his coat. Jill is beside herself.

I finally do an almost-discrete-but-not-quite turn and see the cause of the commotion: Sarah is disgustingly sick. Snot is streaming all over her face, and she was snorting, sniffing, and coughing away. H1N1 was flying around the room like dust  particles from an old pillow. We were all going to catch the plague, and die, and miss our finals.

After class Jill exchanges a frantic look with me and mouths: “THAT IS SO GROSS!”

In the hallway Jill explained:

Jill: “Oh my god, Sarah is so disgusting! She was wiping her snot with her FINGERS! WITH HER FINGERS!! Why would you come to school like that?”
Me: “Well, maybe she had an allergy attack or something… and Conflicts is sort of a hard class to miss.”
Jill: “That’s just unacceptable. Fail.”

Just then, Sarah comes out of the classroom. Jill yelps and practically jumps across the hall, almost knocking over some 1Ls in the process. I expected her to point and scream “PLAGUE!!! PLAGUE!!! SHE BE SPREADING THE PLAGUE!! BURN THE WITCH!”

We’ll see if Sarah shows up today.

And yes, I am bringing a baggie of Kleenex and a mini-hand-sanitizer bottle as a gift for Sarah just in case today’s class is a repeat of yesterday’s hot messitude.