It’s 1am. Phillip and I are in the car, zipping around downtown Minneapolis. I ramble: “…tomorrow I will go out less, crack down, stay home and focus. From now on. Seriously.”
Phillip lets me ramble, but doesn’t believe it.
This was another cluttered week of work, exercise, dating, and reconnecting with long-neglected friends. Pictures!
This week was fabulous and glamorous…well, besides the part where the dogs and I got caught in a rain storm.
We dive into my car and the dogs launch their hairs and funk all over the back seat. I was enraged. Violence ensued. I’ll forgive them someday. Maybe.
Like Oscar Wilde and Truman Capote, the increased social life was disastrous for my writing schedule. I walk the dogs, go to work, walk the dogs again, spend the night on a date or with friends, return home, rewalk the dogs and fling myself into bed, just to repeat it all in the morning. This week was exciting and exhausting. I need a warm glass of milk and a pat on the head.
My goal for this coming week is to be more generous with myself: more sleep, dog time, quality writing time, photo editing, exercise, etc. I suspect that the bulk of my faux-friends will drop out, but my close friends and dating potentials will stick around…possibly, maybe…
Oh everything is absolutely fabulous and I will write shortly.
I have the same problem that Truman Capote and Oscar Wilde had: it is hard to both live life (while being present) and write about the life you’re living.
Bedingfields: Over-enthusiastic, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again? ”
E-Ballers: Fills up my facebook and text inbox, but acts completely bored when we hang out. Am I talking to your secretary online?
Fair-Weathers: Completely enraptured in-person but takes a week to respond to a facebook or text message. Might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.
The new categories are: the faux-friend and the poltergeist.
4. The faux-friend: Your jealous boyfriend…who isn’t your boyfriend. This is the guy who claims he wants friendship but what he really wants is Ken – the boyfriend without the sex. The faux-friend wants to go to movies, the gym, the bar, texts, and calls, but the second you look at another guy, sirens turn on and he rings the alarm:
The faux-friend will not date you, but he is perfectly happy to cause unnecessary drama as he glares down his perceived competition at the bar like a hyena in heat. Avoid at all costs.
And the 5th type of guy is the Poltergeist. The Poltergeist is similar to the fair-weather guy, only more irritating. This is the guy who disappears after an amazing date and then reincarnates as a ghost rapping at your online-door.
The poltergeist will “like” a facebook update, or shoot a text once every few weeks along the lines of “Hey we should hang out!” only to disappear again… these guys are like reoccurring outbreaks of H1N1, and it’s time to be vaccinated.
I currently have a healthy mix of Bedingfields, E-Ballers, Fair-Weathers, Faux-Friends, and Poltergeists…as well as a few guys to defy categorization. What is a boy to do?
RyRy and I went to see Sex and the City II tonight. I spent the entire week listening to horrible reviews for the movie on the radio, but I knew that the movie was fabulous when one review called it “a gay man’s fantasy about how women act.”
Sign me up!
The theater packed with screaming girls in stilettos was worth the price of admission. The Minneapolis girls pretended to be from Miami for one night and the crowd was rowdy, fun, and responsive to the movie.
The movie was enjoyable and visually appealing aside from a few uncomfortable shots of Sarah Jessica’s starving granny chest. I whispered, “Cover it up girl! Bra Bra ra-ah ah!” and our row burst out laughing.
I did not take the film too seriously. This is Sex and the City, not Revolutionary Road. It was like a long, fabulous TV episode, and all the critics who bitched about the characters are missing the point: fashion, shoes, hair, and glamour.
There are also great cameos by Liza Minnelli (performing Single Ladies) and Miley Cyrus. Goodness.
After the movie, RyRy and I went to Perkins where we had a fierce Indian waiter with bleached hair. I think he stepped straight out the movie…oh what a hilarious night!
Morbid Obesity: “Knock, knock!” Me: “Who is it?” Morbid Obesity: “Morbid obesity is a-knocking.” Me: “I AM NOT HOME!” Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you aren’t! I can hear them jelly rolls jiggling behind the curtains! Precious!” Me: “Fine. But you are out of my life. Love don’t live here no more!” Morbid Obesity: “That’s not what your bellah told me.” Me: “I am working on it!” Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you are! Between the record-breaking heat and the rain, you haven’t done cardio in FOUR DAYS!” Me: “Today is the day!” Morbid Obesity: “…for muffin top!” Me: “GET OFF MY PROPERTY! I AM CALLING THE COPS!”
So to spite morbid obesity, I skated 12 miles around the lakes after work today. Thelakes are fabulous . There were the usual picnickers, swimmers, cute babies, studs, and concerts…
…but the best thing about today’s skate was the divers at the Lake of the Isles:
One of the divers was a bit heavier than the others, and he didn’t know how jump properly so he pancaked on the water. As he flailed about, the black woman watching screamed, “OH SHIT! THAT IS A DOUGHNUT FLOP!”
I ran into Doughnut as I skated off. Doughnut showed me his arm, which was painfully red. Doughnut said he was fine, but his arm really looked like crap.
I however, was not fine. I need to reconsider flipping through my blackberry’s Pandora Radio channels while skating because five minutes later I totally ate a tree limb, spun around with my glasses flying in the air, and was almost creamed by two bikers. They laughed and I pretended not to soil-myself.
Then came the moment of panic when I could not find my offensively overpriced Burberry glasses, but they miraculously landed on the grass, unharmed. Massive win.
I need a FAQ page on this blog. I usually respond to questions via twitter, but my new readers keep asking the same question: “Why don’t you write more about dating or work?”
My answer: discretion. This blog is fun, but not sloppy.
Contrary to popular belief, there is a filter here…well, sort of. One trick I learned as a resident assistant in undergrad is that clean living is the simplest way to avoid projecting dirt, so I try not to do anything that I would have a problem with broadcasting on the world wide inter-web.1
That means that there is less to filter, which my life easier, because filter refills are expensive…
I also like my job, and want to stay at my company after graduation, so I wouldn’t compromise that for a push in the google rankings or a few extra comments.
What I love about working for my company is that it is a collaborative atmosphere, so the daily annoyances that make Bitter Lawyer and Namby Pamby so interesting are not part of my world. I go to work, interact with hilarious co-workers, and do my job.
Sure, there are some shocking cases…but I just don’t have to deal with any craziness beyond battling for parking near the building.
The point is that I don’t write about work because I am professional and there is not a lot to write about.
Dating is another story. I blame that mess on facebook.
Googling and facebook-friending a potential date is essential due diligence. Trust me. Someone can seem completely innocent and charming but then google reveals a video of them doing ungodly things with their dog2 or other deal-breaking craziness.
I need to know about the CooCooCaChoo in advance! So I screen…
The problem with this due diligence is that now a pack of my facebook “friends” are trolling for dates.
Also, to compound the awkwardness, facebook’s “friend suggestion” feature has turned facebook into the newest dating site:
That’s how I met Judd. Facebook said we had a ton of friends in common, so I just hit “add” without thinking about it. Judd then messaged me, “Hi, you’re cute. We should go on a date!” I agreed to go on the date, we clicked, became boyfriends, …and then he moved to New York. Hm.
But Judd, like all of my other ex-boyfriends is still my facebook friend and we still keep in contact. So anything that the new “friend suggestion” guys write on my wall is visible to him, my other Exes, past dates, potential dates, and mom. Sigh.
But that is a minor drawback because the benefits of screening guys on facebook outweigh the awkwardness by far. If the suggestion-friends are completely lewd then I unadd them, but that rarely happens because the vast majority of these guys still fall into the same three categories:
Bedingfields: Over-enthusiastic, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again? ”
E-Ballers: Fills up my facebook and text inbox, but acts completely bored when we hang out. Am I talking to your secretary online?
Fair-Weathers: Completely enraptured in-person but takes a week to respond to a facebook or text message. Might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.
(Note how none of the categories involves crass.)
I went on a lot of dates in the past few weeks, and some were pretty outrageous. But because my dates are aware of this blog through facebook, I can’t write about any of the dates because broadcasting a terrible date to the entire Minneapolis gay community3 is just tacky. Besides, my BFF and I would have nothing to dish about when we hang out.
So I don’t write a lot about work because I am professional and I don’t write a lot about dates because I am classy, (and don’t want to get cut.) Hopefully that explains things!
1 Remember, my personal motto is “I have a good disposition” and I mean it. 2 Yes, that actually happened. I was mortified. 3 Lot of facebook friends… have the entire community covered through at least one person.
If you have any questions to add to my forth-coming FAQ page please send them to @dennisjansen.
I look outside, it looks like rain, but I want to walk the dogs around lake Calhoun, so I check weather.com.
Weather.com says 0% chance of rain.
I look outside again. It looks like the storm before the kraken, but weather.com says 0% chance of rain so I TRUST THE INTERNETS and drive the dogs to the lake. If weather.com had said 1% chance of rain I would not have gone out, but ZERO percent chance…well…I can’t question that!
The skies look so bad on the way to the lake that I expect Nicolas Cage to hop out of a building and give a dead-pan account of how “supernatural whatsits were coming to take over the who-hah…” And of course, the second we get to the lake:
Fail.
I check weather.com on my blackberry. It says 75% chance of rain, plague, and pestilence. I feel like an idiot.
And then Harley glares at me like, “OKAY, FOOL, I NEED TO PEE. BEHOLD MY DROOL.”
And after much fretting, I finally take them out. It rains harder just to spite me. Nicolas Cage warned me of this but no…
After our walk on the set of Umbrella, Harley gives me another glare like, “WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME OUTSIDE IN THAT BULLSHIT? BAD OWNER! BAD!”
Ugh. I’m damned if I do…
And I am not taking them to Lake Calhoun anymore because it took far too long to clean the back seat of my car after these two hot-shedding-messes…ugh. Never again. Continue reading “Damned if I do…” »
It’s late, I’m sweating, and my deodorant has broken down.
It’s summer, and it’s hot. My freshness is compromised.
Earlier this evening, Justin pointed out that it looks like Niagara Falls sprung from my armpits. I flashed a coy smile and wrung my armpit on his sofa… but my freshness woes are for another post…1
Spring semester ended and I started working full time. Things are changing at the office because all of my 3L friends graduated and moved on to bar prep, and a new set of interns took their place. It is exciting to have new coworkers, especially since new interns tend to overdress. They bring glamour to the cubicles.
The increased work schedule is complimented by my increased workout regimen. I skate around the lakes, got organized about lifting weights, and sometimes bike to work:
The bike ride to work is 16-miles each way, which sounds more terrible than it is. I need to find a discrete side entrance to the building because I hate walking in the front door drenched in sweat. Sure, I am going to shower and be oh-so-fresh when I get to my cube, but I just fear that an executive is going to be in the lobby one day wondering who this sweaty hot mess is.
I was also successful in avoiding Mr. McDonald, Ms. King, and Señor Bell this summer. Well, except the other night when Steven and I were all, “Need McDonald’s. Now.” Group junk-food cravings are hard to resist.
Steven is hilarious, and allegedly bleaching his hair silver. Last night his hair was half-way done and yellow-blonde. Behold:
Last night was the last of a string of impromptu start-of-the-summer shindigs and get-togethers. A good bar night is sort of like a wedding – you need friends, old and new, the creepy uncle-figure, the overly loud aunt, and the wedding crasher. Phillip and I kept a good mix of crazywedding-formula company week.
But after this week of krawall und remmidemmi, dates, and friends, it is time to tone down the social and turn up the workout routine before summer school starts.
The fitness goal of the summer is to reduce my pot-belly enough so I won’t look ridiculous tucking my shirt in. This is completely feasible, especially since the heat in my apartment causes me to lose at least a pound per day in water weight.
The dogs are also unamused by the heat, and the wigs:
Harley wasn’t feeling the Beatles vibe. Hmmf.
Harley also has a problem walking around the lakes when it gets above 75 degrees. Usually what happens is I slow down to look at boat or something…
…and then Harley senses that I’m distracted and plops down on the pathway like, “I AM NOT MOVING. TOO HOT. FAIL WHALE. FAIL.”
If I pull his leash he just collapses onto his back, and a passerby usually points and laugh. This is my glamorous life…
Actually, I shouldn’t say that sarcastically because life is pretty glamorous right now. – full employment, unlimited workout time, two doting dogs, hilarious friends and acquaintances, and an apartment right next to the lakes, Eat Street, and Uptown:
…what more could I want? Well, besides a stronger deodorant…
1 This is the obnoxious, overly-long “catch up” post which I have successfully avoided until now. Putting this post off longer just means that there’s more to cover, or more to gloss-over. What is a boy to do?
I appreciate reader comments, tweets, and emails… but this was too funny:
Anon.innappropriate@gmail.com. Re: Redesign: Boy i hope you havent been doing any drugs. That face is too pretty for that, however pic1 kinda has that did a lil drugs look. I hope im wrong. If so,..good and keep it clean.
That comment was in response to this picture: Hmmf.
And PS: I’m coming back from my blog-vacation later today!
Odd comments
By Jansen |
I appreciate reader comments, tweets, and emails… but this was too funny:
That comment was in response to this picture:
Hmmf.
And PS: I’m coming back from my blog-vacation later today!
Tags: crackhead, odd comments, spam |
Category: blog theory, humor, overheard