Monthly Archives: May 2010

Sex and the City 2: The Gay Man’s Fantasy

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RyRy and I went to see Sex and the City II tonight. I spent the entire week listening to horrible reviews for the movie on the radio, but I knew that the movie was fabulous when one review called it “a gay man’s fantasy about how women act.”

Sign me up!

The theater packed with screaming girls in stilettos was worth the price of admission. The Minneapolis girls pretended to be from Miami for one night and the crowd was rowdy, fun, and responsive to the movie.

The movie was enjoyable and visually appealing aside from a few uncomfortable shots of Sarah Jessica’s starving granny chest. I whispered, “Cover it up girl! Bra Bra ra-ah ah!” and our row burst out laughing.

I did not take the film too seriously. This is Sex and the City, not Revolutionary Road. It was like a long, fabulous TV episode, and all the critics who bitched about the characters are missing the point: fashion, shoes, hair, and glamour.

There are also great cameos by Liza Minnelli (performing Single Ladies) and Miley Cyrus. Goodness.

After the movie, RyRy and I went to Perkins where we had a fierce Indian waiter with bleached hair. I think he stepped straight out the movie…oh what a hilarious night!

Obesity and the doughnut flop

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Morbid obesity came around this morning.

Morbid Obesity: “Knock, knock!”
Me: “Who is it?”
Morbid Obesity: “Morbid obesity is a-knocking.”
Me: “I AM NOT HOME!”
Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you aren’t! I can hear them jelly rolls jiggling behind the curtains! Precious!”
Me: “Fine. But you are out of my life. Love don’t live here no more!”
Morbid Obesity: “That’s not what your bellah told me.”
Me: “I am working on it!”
Morbid Obesity: “Oh the hell you are! Between the record-breaking heat and the rain, you haven’t done cardio in FOUR DAYS!”
Me: “Today is the day!”
Morbid Obesity: “…for muffin top!”
Me: “GET OFF MY PROPERTY! I AM CALLING THE COPS!”

So to spite morbid obesity, I skated 12 miles around the lakes after work today.  Thelakes are fabulous . There were the usual picnickers, swimmers, cute babies, studs, and concerts…
lake of the isles
…but the best thing about today’s skate was the divers at the Lake of the Isles:
lake of the isles divers
lake of the isles divers
lake of the isles divers
lake of the isles divers
One of the divers was a bit heavier than the others, and he didn’t know how jump properly so he pancaked on the water. As he flailed about, the black woman watching screamed, “OH SHIT! THAT IS A DOUGHNUT FLOP!”
lake of the isles divers
lake of the isles divers
I ran into Doughnut as I skated off. Doughnut showed me his arm, which was painfully red. Doughnut said he was fine, but his arm really looked like crap.

I however, was not fine. I need to reconsider flipping through my blackberry’s Pandora Radio channels while skating because five minutes later I totally ate a tree limb, spun around with my glasses flying in the air, and was almost creamed by two bikers. They laughed and I pretended not to soil-myself.

Then came the moment of panic when I could not find my offensively overpriced Burberry glasses, but they miraculously landed on the grass, unharmed.  Massive win.

Work, dating, discretion.

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I need a FAQ page on this blog. I usually respond to questions via twitter, but my new readers keep asking the same question: “Why don’t you write more about dating or work?”

My answer: discretion. This blog is fun, but not sloppy.

Contrary to popular belief, there is a filter here…well, sort of. One trick I learned as a resident assistant in undergrad is that clean living is the simplest way to avoid projecting dirt, so I try not to do anything that I would have a problem with broadcasting on the world wide inter-web.1

That means that there is less to filter, which my life easier, because filter refills are expensive…

I also like my job, and want to stay at my company after graduation, so I wouldn’t compromise that for a push in the google rankings or a few extra comments.

What I love about working for my company is that it is a collaborative atmosphere, so the daily annoyances that make Bitter Lawyer and Namby Pamby so interesting are not part of my world. I go to work, interact with hilarious co-workers, and do my job.

Sure, there are some shocking cases…but I just don’t have to deal with any craziness beyond battling for parking near the building.

The point is that I don’t write about work because I am professional and there is not a lot to write about.

Dating is another story. I blame that mess on facebook.

Googling and facebook-friending a potential date is essential due diligence. Trust me. Someone can seem completely innocent and charming but then google reveals a video of them doing ungodly things with their dog2 or other deal-breaking craziness.

I need to know about the CooCooCaChoo in advance! So I screen…

The problem with this due diligence is that now a pack of my facebook “friends” are trolling for dates.

Also, to compound the awkwardness, facebook’s “friend suggestion” feature has turned facebook into the newest dating site:

facebook dating
That’s how I met Judd.  Facebook said we had a ton of friends in common, so I just hit “add” without thinking about it. Judd then messaged me, “Hi, you’re cute. We should go on a date!” I agreed to go on the date, we clicked, became boyfriends, …and then he moved to New York. Hm.

But Judd, like all of my other ex-boyfriends is still my facebook friend and we still keep in contact. So anything that the new “friend suggestion” guys write on my wall is visible to him, my other Exes, past dates, potential dates, and mom. Sigh.

But that is a minor drawback because the benefits of screening guys on facebook outweigh the awkwardness by far. If the suggestion-friends are completely lewd then I unadd them, but that rarely happens because the vast majority of these guys still fall into the same three categories:

  1. Bedingfields: Over-enthusiastic, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again? ”
  2. E-Ballers: Fills up my facebook and text inbox, but acts completely bored when we hang out. Am I talking to your secretary online?
  3. Fair-Weathers: Completely enraptured in-person but takes a week to respond to a facebook or text message. Might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.

(Note how none of the categories involves crass.)

I went on a lot of dates in the past few weeks, and some were pretty outrageous. But because my dates are aware of this blog through facebook, I can’t write about any of the dates because broadcasting a terrible date to the entire Minneapolis gay community3 is just tacky. Besides, my BFF and I would have nothing to dish about when we hang out.

So I don’t write a lot about work because I am professional and I don’t write a lot about dates because I am classy, (and don’t want to get cut.) Hopefully that explains things!

1 Remember, my personal motto is “I have a good disposition” and I mean it.
2 Yes, that actually happened. I was mortified.
3 Lot of facebook friends… have the entire community covered through at least one person.

If you have any questions to add to my forth-coming FAQ page please send them to @dennisjansen.