I knew there was some fuckery afoot the second I stepped into my apartment.
The futon was flipped over and Harley was giving me the “oh shit” look.
I told him to stop wagging his tail like that and started inspecting the damage.
Aside from the futon, nothing was unusual in the living or dining room…kitchen was fine…and so was the bathroom…
…so of course the bullshit was in my bedroom. Harley’s leash was on my bed, and so was half of my lay figure (wooden drawing mannequin). The other half was in shards on the side of the bed.
I was not amused.
Harley jumped on the bed and it looked like he was covering something… or was that a shadow? No…it was a GIANT PEE PUDDLE! And there was another spot by my pillow. Bejesus…
My eyes grew red, my hair turned into snakes and I chased the dog around the apartment with my blow-torch breath. Hell hath no fury like a 1L during finals! BLAHAHA!
After raging around the apartment I took the pee soaked sheets down to the laundry room. I then realized that I had no quarters.
I threw the sheets by the washers and left the building. Two cyclists were standing in the sidewalk right outside of the apartment building. One was yarking everywhere while his friend kept telling him “Cmon man! Try and hold it, we are almost there!”
I side-stepped the puke-fest and went off to give my car a quarter-cavity search. My car was a few blocks away since everyone had already come home for the night…
The washers and dryers are $1.25 per load, and I had 2 loads of sheets so I needed 10 quarters.
So of course my car had 9 quarters.1
I walked to the corner store clutching my 9 quarters. Meth head Molly was begging at the bus stop near the corner store:
Meth Molly: “Can you spare some change?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
Meth Molly: “But you have change right there in your hand!”
Me: “It’s for laundry. My dog pissed all over my sheets. I’m actually getting more change so I can dry them.”
Meth Molly: “Ew…that’s disgusting…you DO need the quarters more than me!”
So apparently I even gross out semi-homeless meth heads…classy!
The cashier at the corner store could only part with four quarters. He looked at me as if I was laundering money or something. Starbucks and CVS wouldn’t provide change…so I decided to take to the drive-thrus!
I had enough quarters to wash the sheets, so I started the washers and then took Harley to the car.
We started at McDonald’s. My neighborhood McDonald’s is decrepit. Their sign has been burnt out since I’ve moved in. They probably don’t bother fixing it since they close super early anyway (around 10 or 11.)
So I ordered a cheese burger just to find out that they had no quarters in the entire store. I got the burger and dumped the dimes into my console.
Next was White Castle. White Castle gave me two quarters. The lady gave me that “bitch try me” look so I didn’t ask her for more. 2
Taco Bell was the gold mine. I waited in line and watched the lady with the ordering-headset get her hair braided. I sweet talked the wild-eyed cashier into giving me $2.50 in quarters. So I was set for the night!
We got back to the apartment building, (carefully avoiding the puddles of vomit outside) and it was already time to switch the sheets over. It’s going to nice having a sanitary bed again. Meth Molly would be proud. 3
1 As a rule, when you’re looking for quarters you’re going to have a small fortune in dimes and nickels…
2 Despite being a BAD dog tonight, Harley got the double-slider from White Castle…
3 So I was all, “YOU ARE BANNED FROM THE BEDROOM!” but that’s a challenge since it’s technically his “safety spot.” For example, wild Mexican neighbors are shooting off fireworks for Cinco De Mayo and a terrified Harley is scratching at my bedroom door. Hmmf.