1L Spring Finals | Dennis Jansen - The Official Website

May 18th, 2009

The deal

I finished my last exam today so of course I sped home – windows down, bass up, dancing in my car…

I skidded onto my block and was parallel parking when this old Somali man¹ crossed the street and waved his cane at my car.

Gramps: “WHY IS YOUR MUSIC SO LOUD?”
Me: “Que what now?”
Gramps: “Why do you have to play your music so loud?!”
Me: “Oh, I just finished my last final so I’m going to be obnoxious for the rest of the day.”

Gramps sizes he up, determines that I’m quite serious² and then says,

Gramps: “Okay. But if I catch you blasting your music tomorrow I will beat you with my cane.”
Me: “Deal!”

¹ In full cultural costume too. We keep it authentic in Minnesota…
² And nuts…

May 15th, 2009

Corporate law, puke, and flying lessons

By Jansen |

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Last night I was done.

I was ready to give up law school, and thinking about how to ask my boss to keep me on until I find a bartending job…

I cooked some questionable beef patties² and just stared at my Corporations outline.

My confidence in that Corporations had been completely undermined by our midterm. Although I didn’t do horribly on the midterm, I was frustrated because I didn’t understand half of Professor M’s model answer. This hasn’t happened to me before.

There was this nebulous thing called Delaware Corporate law and I apparently didn’t get it, which is a huge problem for someone who is pursuing a business law concentration. I also felt the undergrad business majors/MBA students in my class would ensure me a spot on top of the curve right in between to the girl who never attended class and the boy who we all suspect is clinically retarded…

In short: I was cranky.

After watching the google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=4701933866885788792&hl=en&fs=true">Charlie Rose interview with Scalia I tried to get back into my Corporate law groove, if there was ever such a thing... I replayed my Corporations Final playlist and remained in my funk.

I then had an epiphany! It was as if Scalia was talking to me directly: If I was confused about Delaware Corporate law I should probably reread the DGCL statutes that were assigned!

Gasp, reading the law… what a concept! Turns out that’s all I needed to do. Problem solved!

The rest of the evening was productive and I was in bed around midnight…

I woke up around 2am because I heard thrashing and cursing. I peeked out of my bedroom window to see an obese girl in basketball shorts throwing rocks at downstairs neighbor’s window.² From what I could gather from Ms. Pillsbury’s screams, it seems like downstairs Neighbor kicked her out, and she was upset.

I ignored Ms. Pillsbury and went back to bed.

When my alarm clock woke me up this morning I had to over my mouth to keep myself from yarking all over my bed. That suspect beef patty I had for dinner was officially past its prime. I was nauseous for the majority of the morning….

I walked the dog and lugged myself to school, hoping that my face wasn’t green.

I felt better once the final started. The final was not bad at all. Professor M promised a “standard law school exam” and that’s what he delivered.

But, of course all of the statutes I had lovingly relearned the night before were useless. But having practically memorized the restatement of agency during last semester’s Contracts course was helpful.

After the exam, I went to the Gamma house and packed up more of my things.³

I boxed as much as I could and then drove to UPS. My mother bought me three bookshelves and a …desk/dining table/I don’t know what it’s going to be.

My car was so packed that it felt like driving a Jenga box home.

It took 8 trips to get everything into the apartment.

Harley and I then worked on our flying lessons at the park: there’s a large, steep staircase at the park with a smooth bike ramp]. The stairs are a little too steep for Harley to walk comfortably, so he decided to walk on the smooth bike ramp.

Of course my dog is WAY TOO HEAVY to do that, and with one loud yelp he started to fly down the incline, dragging me with him.

This was a sequel to Wednesday night’s flying lesson which started with the puke that was all over the hallway when I came home from work. Of course I forget about the chunk-fest and walk Harley down that staircase.

Harley, sensing something disgusting, JUST HAD TO SMELL IT. The only problem was that he was walking on the other side of the staircase, and in the process of launching towards the puke, he tripped and we both literally flew down the rest of the staircase and crashed in front of downstairs neighbor’s door.⁴ Oh my goodness.

Harley is exhausted from all the dog-sniffing and duck chasing at the lake. I’m exhausted from my fun-yet-unnecessary foray into Delaware Corporate law.

The rest of the 1Ls are done with class and going out… I still have to take the CivPro final on Monday, and unpack the freight-disaster that is the living room, so I’m going to bed and getting an early start tomorrow…

¹ Questionable as in…it was Thursday night and I had bought them on Sunday or Monday. So it wasn’t within the “cook or freeze within 48 hours” time period.
² Which is sufficiently random to suit my apartment building.
³ I’m annoyed that I haven’t completed the move-out yet. Part of the reason I still have stuff at the Gamma house is the whole “getting shot right before finals” bit. Another reason is that my apartment building has limited street parking. Moving heavy boxes is one thing… but having to carry heavy boxes two blocks and up four flights of stairs is another.
⁴I scrambled up and booked it before anyone had a chance to peak into the hallway.

May 14th, 2009

Dr. Dashing loses his cool

By Jansen |

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So I’m re-reading DGCL § 141 in a hospital room when the doctor knocks on the door. He comes in and I realize that I really lucked out ala Dr. Doug Ross.

Dr. Dashing: “Hello, I’m Dr. Dashing. So you got a shot in the back?”
Me: “Yep.”
Dr. Dashing: “And where were you treated for that?”
Me: “Uh…here, well, I mean, at this hospital, over yonder in the E.R.”
Dr. Dashing: “I see.”

A nerve popped up on Dr. Dashing’s forehead. He flashed the big Minnesota “I’m annoyed” smile.

Dr. Dashing: “So I’m here to take out the bullet?”
Me: “Oh, no the E.R. took that out last week. I just need my stitches taken out!”
Dr. Dashing: “They what?”

He then lost it:

Dr. Dashing: “Yeah, we have been having some internal governance problems. See, THIS is the trauma clinic. I am a trauma surgeon. THEY over there in the ER are not the trauma surgeons. You received a bullet wound in your thorax so you should have been treated here! I mean, I assume they would have called us had anything gone wrong…”

Dr. Not-so-Dashing stopped his rant when he saw the “woah there skipper…” look on my face. After partaking in a moment of awkward silence, the doctor excused himself and fetched a nurse to take out my stitches…

May 11th, 2009

The Final Crimlaw lesson

By Jansen |

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I took my Criminal Law final this afternoon. It was basically a typing contest.

Me: “That was special.”
Jill: “Yeah. Oh my god…I feel like I’m out of breath or something!”

I actually enjoyed studying for the Crimlaw final. It’s amazing how much a class can suck all of the life out of a subject.

I had a sneaking feeling all semester that if I only “delved into the material” more, that I would actually like the class. Hm. Next time!

May 10th, 2009

The study break

By Jansen |

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So, I was working on a practice exam for tomorrow’s final when Harley walks up to me, sniffs my knee, and then walks to the wall and PEES ON IT.

I had an Alley McBeal hallucination moment where I saw myself screaming “FALAFEL!!” and lunging at him. I know that’s random…and actually, it might have been more productive because when I started to scold him the started running to the sofa…

…the only problem was that Harley was NOT DONE PEEING! So I chased him throughout the apartment yelling at him to turn off the faucet. Dis-aster.

I just wanted to concentrate on Mens Rea and not slash around in a pee slip-n-slide!

After mopping and spraying down the entire apartment, I grabbed the dog, threw him in the car, and booked it to Wal-Mart.

Harley’s now the proud new owner of a kennel.

He goes in there willingly so half the battle is over. I’m super-excited that I can leave books out now without the fear shredding.

Horrah!…now back to Mens Rea…

May 10th, 2009

Best Week Ever #16: yellow love and the creep

By Jansen |

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I think that thing they call spring is here.

The grass started turning green a month ago, but the trees have remained leafless – until this week. Sometime overnight all the trees decided to blossom.

It’s as if the mayor pressed some secret spring button.¹

I feel like I’m in some parallel Paula Dean Garden universe. I got so used to winter that I forgot that there are other seasons…

Harley and I spent the week exploring the extensive park system in the neighborhood. The amount of parks, lakes, and nature trails surrounding downtown is ridiculous.

I suspect I moved back to Germany and no one has told me yet, especially when I look at the Fachwerk houses in the neighborhood:

I need to stop bringing coffee on these walks. The same thing happens every time: I start the walk with a cup of coffee and when we are 4 or 5 miles from home I realize “oh shit, I need to pee.”

This is of course the point when Harley gets tired and is all, “wait, why are we rushing all of the sudden?”

He then decides that every tree, squirrel, and gardener is worth inspection.

My bladder starts crying…and disaster strikes.²

And don’t be fooled by the “Minnesota Nice” stereotype – even Minnesotans will give you filthy looks when you’re raging down the street, screaming “GOD DAMN DA COFF-FAAAY!!!” while grabbing your crotch and dragging a 100lb dog…

There have been plenty of times this week when I’ve wanted to scream upon getting home. Harley has started trashing the apartment.

I tweeted about the destruction and was directed by @Karpul to this article on the Humane Society Website. The topic? Dog Separation Anxiety. The gist? He’s destroying the apartment because he misses me and loves me.

Now before you say “awe” remember I am not seeing love when I’m cleaning up shredded novels marinating in puddles of piss.

No. That ain’t love.

And of course the article says scolding the dog will ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!

Well… crap!

You mean I come home to a destroyed, pee-soaked apartment and I can’t bitch at anyone? This is supremely unfair.

And the most ridiculous thing is that Harley didn’t start this chaos until recently. I guess that means he didn’t like me enough before…

In order to help him adjust, I decided to study at Dunn Brothers today. I left Harley a pork bone and hoped for the best. Of course he completely demolished the kitchen – broke dishes, dragged the trash everywhere, and then pissed all over the front door.

And no, he did not need to pee – we had gone on a two hour walk this morning. Minneapolis is perfumed with this dog’s pee. It was pure spite…or according to the humane society, yellow love…

One redeeming thing about Harley is his “don’t mess with me or I’ll eat you” size. He even keeps Meth Molly away.

However, Harley’s size did fail to keep the crazy away this week – we were walking in Uptown (on Lyndale) when I saw this sketchtastic guy sitting at a bus stop across the street.

He was bald, pasty-white, emaciated, and had no eye brows ala Alexander Litvinenko (or Powder) and of course STARING RIGHT AT ME.

So I smiled politely and directed Harley down the street. Of course a few blocks later I see that powder had crossed the street and was storming down the sidewalk right behind us! I have seen waaay too many zombie movies for this to be okay. Seriously, this guy looked like the last day of chemo…or day 28…

So I took a sharp turn and literally RAN down the block as much as I could before he made it to the corner. What the hay…

The sprint worked, but I ran into the creep at another bus stop on Hennepin. He glared at me from across the street. I wondered if Harley would catch whatever that guy had if Harley decided to eat him…

In addition to running from zombies and cleaning up pee, I took my first final exam this week. The subject was Property, and it was not as horrible as everyone expected. My only grief is that there were NO future interests/estates problems! Not a single one!

All that time spent on learning the vesting categories? A waste.

The $20 I spent on the supplemental future interest book? An utter waste…especially since I barely looked at the book…

Tomorrow is my Criminal Law Final, and Friday is Corporations. Crimlaw is strangely pleasant to study…which is odd given how incredibly dull that class was…

I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about “what kind of law I want to practice” and decided that it’s a silly question. I am not so limited in my interests that I wouldn’t be perfectly content practicing in most fields. I know that seems sacrilegious to say, but I don’t think I’m the only person who likes law enough to be happy in most fields…

Heck, I think most students at my school would be open to most areas of law. And most of us feel silly when lawyers (and parents, and friends) ask us what field we want to practice in, since the first year of law school gives us no clue of what private practice is actually like.³

There are a few former Business School kids and future public defenders who know exactly what they want to do (to the exclusion of all other opportunities) but most of us have no idea…

The real question is what type of firm will hire me? I love my school, but I’m aware of its limitations. UMN is reputable enough that nearly everyone will pass the bar, but not so prestigious that everyone will have a job upon graduation.

I have decided that the answer is not to claw my way into the top 5% since even biglaw has its problems.

The point (for me at least) isn’t to get a prestigious job just because that’s what everyone else is doing. My goal is to have a career that allows me to do challenging work and pay off my student loans before I’m 40.

…oh, and a job that allows me to afford dog training…since I’m sick of this yellow love business.

¹ I’m pretty sure it’s between the “easy” button and the Taco Bell button.
² And I can’t tie him up and run into a coffee shop or something because I always feel like a horrible dog owner doing that… plus I’m sure there’s some sort of ordinance against that.
³ I think that’s why next year’s 1Ls will be required to take a “work of the lawyer” course.

May 7th, 2009

Limited appeal.

By Jansen |

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I reviewed property between dog walks.

I ran into my downstairs neighbor during my first walk. I was surprised to see him awake and intoxicated so early…no-so-good morning to you too! He gets this gooey look when he sees my dog and starts cooing.¹ I smile politely and keep it moving.

The neighbor’s debauchery was the soundtrack for today’s property review. The final is tomorrow.

Harley’s second walk was spurred by my apartment building’s fire alarm. I immediately thought of how horrible it would be to have to call the dean and say, “Hi, can I write my exam? Turns out I lost laptop in a fire yesterday…”

I grabbed Harley, my property books, and laptop and skipped out of the building. There was no way in hell I was going to miss another final due to some unexpected remmidemmi…

I refuse to be that kid twice.

I threw my school stuff in the car and took Harley on his second walk.

The building was still intact when I came back. The cause of the alarm was the downstairs neighbor’s burning cooking. Downstairs neighbor was in the hallway shouting “CALIFORNIA!” when I came back. I resisted the urge to shout “ITS ALL ABOUT FLORIDA FOO!”

I decided it was time to finally cook a legitimate meal. I think I did alright:

Yes. I know. Mad culinary skills! And I only² burned the rice…

Harley and I just got back from our third walk. We were at the end of my street when we ran into a middle-aged man with a dog.

He gave me the look.³

I smiled politely and kept it moving.
I turned the corner…and he was walking the other way, so I thought it was a done-datta…

But of course two blocks later he’s behind us and insists that our dogs meet.

He tells me that the dog was his partner’s idea and was really interested in my walking schedule. He walks around this time every night you know?

Oh really? I’m sure your partner is well aware of that too…

Now, maybe I’m being cynical. Maybe he’s a perfectly normal, social person and I’m just the snotty 20-something that assumes every 40 year old wants him.

That could be…But I have somehow managed to establish myself as prime territory for the married, mentally handicapped, and fast-food workers. Oh my goodness.

I’ll work on appealing to normal guys after finals…

¹ You’d think it’s the crack, but other people do it too…maybe Harley’s just cute?
² And I only set off my apartment’s fire alarm…I wouldn’t want to steal the neighbor’s thunder…
³ Okay, so that video that I linked has a pretty raunchy title, but it describes what gay men go through PERFECTLY – “it’s a very violating gaze that literally eats your soul…it’s a penetrating gaze that goes to your heart of who you are and hurts.” – welcome to my world… also, what he says about eye contact is EXACTLY what happened. Bah…

May 3rd, 2009

Goodbye Bullet

By Jansen |

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I taught myself future interests in the ER today.

Phillip and I walked Harley-Scalia in Loring Park this afternoon. Harley saw a squirrel, lunged forward, and sent me flying for few steps.

Harley’s lunge was so powerful that it moved the bullet that is lodged in my side. Beforehand the bullet didn’t hurt at all, and was just slightly sensitive to the touch. Now the bullet stuck out dramatically and was very painful.

I called the hospital and they told me to come in.

I waited in the ER for about four hours. There was a guy around my age who looked like he got the lower part of his ear burned off. He was seen after about three and a half hours.

There were a lot of cough-masks at the hospital, but they sent the possible swine-flu cases in a separate waiting room.

While waiting, I ignored the homeless man next to me (who babbled and drooled in his sleep) and tried to concentrate on some estates & future interests problems. After a few hours I gave up and started watching Legally Blonde, which was playing on the waiting room TVs. Before law school I never noticed how odd that movie is. Maybe I missed something, but I’m pretty sure 1Ls do not get to participate in high profile murder trials, even at Harvard.

After four hours I noticed that the nurses were calling people who came in after me. I walked up to the triage and the nurse said, “Oh, we had a shift change and you’ve been here longer than anyone in the entire hospital! You should be next…”

Well, dandy.

Twenty minutes later I’m in an examining room. The doctor comes in, greets me, and then asks me to show him the gunshot wound.

The doctor was not listening to me. He immediately pulled back the dressings on the bullet wound and then told me that he didn’t see the bullet.

Me: “Well, it’s over here on my side. It really hurts and I think it’s pushing against my ribs…”

What does the doctor do? He says, “Oh I see” and then POKES THE BULLET.

It hurt. Bad. I was livid.

Doctor: “We can probably take it out. Let me talk to some other doctors and get back to you.”

My eyes are watering up with pain and ask him where the restroom was.

Doctor: “Around the corner. You should probably take your backpack with you.”

I should have left my backpack in that room because when I came back they had a car accident victim set up in the room.

A nurse told me to sit on a stool in the hallway. I sat in the ER hallway for about 15 minutes and talked to a bouncer from Blaine who got hit in the back with a bat during a bar brawl…

When the bouncer left and I got his room.

I then sat there, side throbbing, wincing in pain and cursing the doctor’s name.

The doctor eventually shows up, stabs me with an anesthetic, cuts me open, and removes the bullet.

Doctor: “Oh this looks like a 44. Most people get shot with 9s. That’s the gangster’s choice apparently.”

Me: “I thought they said it was a small bullet…”

Doctor: “Hm. Maybe it got deformed when it got in. The area around the bullet looks infected. Maybe that’s why it is hurting…”

Me: “Great.”

Doctor: “Oh wait, it doesn’t smell. That means it’s probably not infected.”

Me: “It’s nice not to smell.”

Doctor. “Yeah. I’ll make the stitches loose just in case. If it gets infected we’ll just remove the stitches so it can drain.”

Me: “Another day the glamorous life of a law student…“

The doctor dug around for any more bullet fragments, which felt disgusting. I felt like a victim from SAW, cue the Billy puppet… The doctor then sewed me up and said he would come back with my paperwork.

I waited for about 15 minutes and another nurse kicked me out of the room. A bleeding construction worker was wheeled in as I left. I sat at that stool in the hallway again for about 20 more minutes. I checked my watch and saw that it was 7:15pm. I had arrived around 1pm. I decided that I was allowed to play crabby patient. and went to the little doctor’s station and asked if they could mail the discharge papers to me.

Nurse: “Oh, we forgot all about you! What’s your name again? I’ll print the papers for ya…”

Quality care right there…I finally left the ER after six hours, stitches oozing…but grateful that the bullet is gone.

May 2nd, 2009

On Friday

By Jansen |

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I started Friday in a small interrogation room at the downtown police station.¹ It was a follow up interview about the shooting, and taped preserve my lack-of-helpfulness for posterity:

Me: “Well, I was shot in the back while crossing Hennepin.”
Detective: “Draw a map.”
Me: “Uh, well, okay…this is Hennepin…and this is the club, and this is the library. And this is where I got shot…”
Detective: “What is that cross street?”
Me: “Uh… no idea.”

(later on)

Detective: “So you were with T. and Eric.”
Me: “Yes.”
Detective: “Was T. having any relationship problems? Would any ex-boyfriends be upset that you were hanging out with her?”
Me: “…upset that she’s hanging out with a bunch of gay guys?”

After the interview I promised the detective that I would ask the doctors if they can take out the bullet. I prefer that the bullet collect dust in some evidence archive than stay lodged in my side.

Detective: “You should get it taken out while you still have insurance.”
Me: “Oh, well, I’m not planning on becoming uninsured any time soon…”
Detective: “But you weren’t planning on getting shot either.”

True.

As I walked back to the parking garage I called my insurance provider. I wanted to know if taking the bullet out (after the doctors said to leave it in) would qualify as elective surgery.

Insurance lady: “Uh, Mr. Jansen, your policy expired in 2006.”

WHAT? I did some quick mental math on how long it would take me to repay the medical bills. Not as long as it will take to repay my law school loans …but still! Ack! I called mom and asked her about the policy.

Me: “Uh, I have insurance through your work right?”
Mom: “Yep. It’s not like they would have treated you in the hospital without insurance…”
Me: “The insurance lady said my policy lapsed in 2006.”
Mom: “She’s an idiot. That’s the year they switched us over to the WhateverCare Plus plan. And you used that card at the school clinic last month remember? I’ll scan the insurance card for you…”

Whew. After my insurance scare, I went to school.

I asked my property professor’s secretary for new handouts – and yes I told the secretary that my dog ate them. After chatting with the secretaries about the perils of Mastiff-ownership, I saw the Dean of students. I spoke to the Dean last Monday, a few hours after I was released from the hospital, but I had not met with her in person yet.

I then had an interview for an orientation leader position. At UMiami they conscripted RAs to become orientation leaders. It was hilarious, and I’m sure serving as an orientation leader at the law school level will be even more fun, including the amazing awkwardness that is law school, and the inevitable “aren’t you that kid?” moments. ²

The rest of the day was hazy. I only had a good four hours of productivity and spent the rest of the time hanging out/chatting³ with Hamline students.

During my orientation leader interview I was asked “what do you do for fun?” and I said, “I hang out a lot.” – I realize that it sounds vague and stupid, but it’s true. Sitting around people watching and chatting isn’t exactly a structured activity like bowling or knitting cool things but I think it’s equally important.

¹ This is the police station within city hall. There is also a criminal justice complex right next to city hall (which presumably has police station functions too?) these distinctions obviously aren’t covered in Crimlaw or Law & Order…
² Dear 0Ls…despite the past week, Minneapolis is not as scary as Chicago…

April 30th, 2009

Not-so-vague threats?

By Jansen |

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I need everyone in Minneapolis to chill. For the next two weeks, I need the chaos to stop. Pretty please? We have stray bullets, riots, and now not-so-vague threats? What the hey?

We received this email during our Criminal Law review session:

Students, Faculty and Staff:

The University will be closing three buildings on our West Bank campus due to a time-specific threat of violence obtained by law enforcement. Those buildings include the Carlson School of Management, Hanson Hall and the Hubert H. Humphrey Center. All classes and activities beginning at or after 3:45 are cancelled in those buildings and they will close at 4:30 p.m.

This was a very specific threat of violence targeted at these three buildings. We are erring on the side of caution by canceling classes and activities and closing the buildings. UMPD is actively investigating this threat.

The Humphrey Institute’s “Changing Competitive Position of Public Research Universities” lecture has been moved to 5 Blegen Hall.

The threat was specific enough that regular operations will resume on Friday morning.

I apologize for the inconvenience and thank you for your cooperation.

UPDATE: Turns out it was a shooting threat:

The University of Minnesota closed three buildings on its West Bank campus this afternoon after a note was found saying that a shooting was planned this evening, prompting the cancellation of classes in those heavily populated buildings, school officials said. (read on)

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The deal

Corporate law, puke, and flying lessons

Dr. Dashing loses his cool

The Final Crimlaw lesson

The study break

Best Week Ever #16: yellow love and the creep

Limited appeal.

Goodbye Bullet

On Friday

Not-so-vague threats?