Before recapping the past few weeks, I offer my stressed-out 1L readers a metaphor. No, this isn’t about liability looming in the air or about tree-fruit. This is a metaphor about law school:
“Finals are like the last drop on a rollercoaster ride.”
Right now, I am at the peak of the final drop of the rollercoaster. The view is great, but the bullshitfun is about to start. What’s the worst that can happen?
Erm… Okay. Barring some Final Destination disaster (or a stray bullet) the worst that can happen is a C, maybe a C minus.
And that is why law school finals are like the last drop on a rollercoaster. Finals entail stress and work, but the GPA concerns are about as serious as the rollercoaster rider worried about yarking up a hotdog. Yes, it’s a real concern – C’s and puke suck – but worrying about law school finals is still very charmed position to be in.
You guessed it, I’m pulling the “some children are starving” card:
Or the laid-off-worker-with-family card, or the foreclosure card, or the mental health card… the point is that some people have real problems, and no, sorry, law school finals do not qualify. The worst that can happen is a bad grade, and the world will not end with a C. Trust me. (And even if you aim to be an associate at a posh firm, remember they get fired too.)
Whether I am making videos about finals, throwing shade in the library, or shaking because I have just studied for 13 hours straight, I always remember that finals stress is about as serious (and non-serious) as puking hotdogs after a rollercoaster ride. I’m sure I’ll find a mop.
So the review of the past few weeks?
There was a Great Wall of Turkey, and Thanksgiving at the boyfriend’s parent’s house.
Amber: I am not looking forward to my week. You’d think I wouldn’t be so stressed out about a two-day week, but this is sort of the last breath of freedom before finals – but only, it’s NOT a fresh breath because I have commitments with NORMAL people who do not understand the madness that law students have to go through.
What makes law school finals stressful is not the material, but the curve. Our grades are not based on what we know, but on how much more we know than our equally-competent1 peers.
There are miserablestudents live in the library during November. Most of us don’t want to become that goonish, vampire-like study-carrel dweller, but we all want to do well.
This is why finals season feels like a SAW sequel: how much are you willing to give to stay alive? An arm? A leg? Your right toe? Dum dum dum…
A lot of us are saying “fuck it.” The job market is too slim to ruin our health and social lives for an arbitrary grade. It is more important to just learn the material as best we can and retain sanity.
I have to work on my Vanna White smile for class. Some of my classmates are getting exponentially more inappropriate as the semester progresses and it’s hard not to glare.
There is one girl in particular who asks such amazingly off-topic questions that it will shock NO ONE when she raises her hand one day and asks:
Off-Topic Girl: “Professor, you were talking about x, and that reminds me– sorry if this outside of the scope of our class – but, what is the meaning of life? Can you speak to that?”
That’s going to happen before the end of the semester. Guaranteed.2
Aside from the circus that is school, I’ve spent my evenings and afternoons at work. And this weekend I went out on Friday and Saturday.
We started Friday at The Eagle’s happy hour, and then later that night went to The Saloon. On Saturday we went to this gladiator-themed gay bar called Gladius. The bar tenders at Gladius wear these little leather gladiator-skirts…with running shoes… and there was a boy trying SO HARD to sell a tray of these red shots that looked exactly like DayQuil (in the DayQuil cup and everything!) Fail.
The music at Gladius was impressive, and we spent some serious boomkat time on the dancefloor.3 The party continued at The Saloon, where I managed to get my glasses stolen.
The Saloon has a heater right above the dancefloor, so Eric and I took off our blazers and put them on a speaker. My overpriced plastic frame glasses were too light and kept slipping, so I set them on my blazer.
When I picked up the blazer the glasses were gone. Dum dum dum. Angela Lansbury had already gone to bed, so that case went cold pretty quickly.
I’m going into for a contacts fitting on Tuesday. I figure contacts are a more practical investment than another pair of lose-able/steal-able glasses.
I only have class on Monday and Tuesday this week, and nothing but Tax Law on Wednesday. The rest of the week will be spent working and outlining full time, but hopefully a little less stressful than Amber’s week.
1 And it’s really a shitshow at UMN law, where the 98/99% bar passage rate means that even the people with the lowest GPAs are competent enough to practice law. 2 Minnesota nice has gone out the window. Sure, off-topic girl is annoying, but a lot of people arejust downright bitter. If I can hear the bitchy comment from two rows away, or read it on gchat screen on a nearby laptop, then off-topic girl will find out eventually. 3 Will and I were the only ones on the dancefloor, because Joel and Eric were too busy socializing. And no, although some minimal voguing was done, there were drops or duckwalks.
The leaves lasted for (what feels like) two weeks. Some trees dropped their leaves immediately, whereas others went out in style:
That’s over now. Almost all of the trees are bare. The neighborhood feels both naked and urban because the buildings are no longer hidden by the trees.
The darkness is as glaring as the bare trees. It is pitch black by 5:30pm, so the evening commute feels like 30 days of night with potholes.
But I was warned. When I first came to law school the 2Ls warned me:
Scary 2L: “Finals are bleak. It will be dark when you go to school and dark when you come home.”
Insert a Dr. Evil cackle, and you have your typical doomsday-prophesizing 2L…coming to a cover of an Enquirer near you!
The darkness is why I spend as little time in the law school as possible. The classrooms are in the basement, so students who don’t make an effort to leave for lunch end up as pale as vampires.1
Besides avoiding vampires, my aim this coming week is to take better care of myself. The past few weeks were disastrous for my health – it’s as if I said, “Hey! Finals are coming up! How about I get as little sleep as possible, eat shitty food, stop working out, and then pump up the caffeine – surely they make caffeine IVs – and then I can have a nice Michael Moore chin to keep me warm and cushy for finals.”
Sexy.
The turkey is the only thing that needs to be festively plump this month.2The marathon training begins in earnest tomorrow. Now excuse me while I get some of that much-needed sleep.
1 These are the same students who can be found hissing at whisperers in the library… I think they are trying to keep with the theme. 2 And the only thing that needs a turkey neck, mmkay?
There is a scene in the latest SAW movie where a lawyer finds out that the key to save her is in the stomach of another person.
The lawyer takes a circular saw and immediately tries to slice the guy’s stomach open to get the key. Screaming and chaos ensue.
During that scene I turned to Joel and whispered, “THAT is law school.”
And it’s true. The size of the saw depends on the intensity of the curve. Vrrrm! Bitches!
The last two weeks have been the most irritating academic weeks of my life. I am tired, mortified, and annoyed. Sing it with me now!
I am always amused when I write these “Best Week Ever” week-in-review posts for difficult weeks.The chipper title is based on the premise that there is no such thing as a bad day.1 Yes, my name is Pollyanna and I am here to rock.
The “Best Week Ever” title is basically a reminder, before I begin writing about an awful week, that things are not so awful, and that I should keep the bitching to a minimum and focus on the amusing things.
And amusing things did happen….really…week 9 started with a Tax law midterm. All the studying I did for the midterm was an utter waste of time and my answers were as eloquent as Miss Teen South Carolina:
“Um, capital gains, and the Iraq and all the little expenditure children…and stuff. That’s hot. And so totally deductible!”
After the epic fail Tax exam I turned around and finished my moot court brief.2 I worked on the brief at Dunn Brothers and there was a dramatic scene with a racist homeless guy who did not notice the four black people in the cafe. Screaming, N-bombs, and hilarity. The awkwardness was amazing.
I also officially started dating Joel.3 One night Joel turned to me and said,
Joel: “Um, we’ve been dating for five weeks now, and I was just wondering where this is going?” Me: “Five weeks? What? Law school has me in a time warp…where am I? What year is it?” Joel: “So I was wondering what my facebook status should be…” Me: “Whatever you’d like! Well, don’t you DARE put married until you put a ring on it…” Joel: “Uh, okay…” Me: “SILENCE! I am channeling Sasha Fierce! Watch the wind sway my hair and be dazzled by my funky fresh moves…Hootyhoo! Time to get back to the Tax regs…”
So we became official during the beginning of week 8, and last night I met his parents and brother. Apparently I am the first boyfriend he has ever brought home to a formal dinner. Eek!4
No plates were thrown or shots fired, so I guess everything went well? Maybe?
Anyway, I survived the parental inspection, the tax midterm, and the moot court brief. Coming up next is: Finals!
And the 2L fun continues…
1 There is always something amusing happening and positive way to spin the worst disasters short of zombies taking over the earth.
2 The problem with the timing of the brief was that it was due on Wednesday and I have four classes Tuesdays and Wednesdays which means I have at least 3-4 hours worth of reading to do on top of life.
I wanted to write that my love affair with law school finally wore off.
I also wanted to write about how bored and annoyed I have been these past two weeks.
Instead of writing a whiny, bitchy post, I went on my nightly run. I am training for a marathon, and running is an excellent way to procrastinate writing whiny posts and studying for tax midterms.
During my run, I realized that I am only irritable in my easy classes. The problem I have with easy classes is the curve. Easy classes mean arbitrary grading because everyone understands the material. The difference between an A and a C is usually something obscure or even the format of the answer (instead of the content.)
It’s Thursday night. I am exhausted from school and work.
My allergies are terrorizing me. I suspect I have swine flu.
My eye is red and throbbing. I suspect I have pink eye.
I open my apartment and immediately sense that the dog messed his kennel. Crap.
I stand there and just look at the books, legal pads, and clothes that are strewn about the room.
The pile of dishes in the kitchen creaks.
The kennel smell is only getting worse.
This is a disaster.
The dog is glaring at me now, but I am still standing there.
I look down and see a piece of paper that had been slid under my door: “Hi this is the building manager and landlord writing to tell you that we were in your apartment today to check if there were any leaks in the bathroom or kitchen.”
My humiliation was complete.
I’ve had a rough two weeks, and that was definitely the low point.
I spent the rest of the weekend working and slowly piecing my apartment together again, but I am still convinced that the next time my landlord sees me he’s going to point and scream “SLOOOB! PIGGY PIGGY PIGGY! SUWEEEE! SUWEEE!”
What made weeks 4 and 5 so bad? School work? Plague weather? Illness?
I want to blame it on all of those reasons, but the real cause of Thursday’s hot-mess-moment was that I failed to follow my own advice and forgot about my non-negotiables: I didn’t eat right, sleep enough, or focus on my goals.
Hence the disaster.
Although school work, plague weather, and illness didn’t help:
The increase in school work was primarily due to moot court because legal research is one of those endless time-sucks where you can “always do more” and I was bad about cutting myself off.
The increase in school work coincided with a week of plague weather: 40 degrees, wet, and gross. And there was this ever-present drizzle that was too light to warrant an umbrella, but quick enough to soak. Fail.
The cold meant that I had to skip to the downtown Target to buy gloves. This was the view from the Macy’s skyway:
And I certainly felt like I had the plague because, my allergies were so bad that I was convinced that I was convinced that I had swine flu. People are very paranoid about h1n1, and I got the filthiest looks from my classmates when I was trying to control my running nose without being distracting. I’m surprised someone didn’t stand up and should “WHY ARE YOU HERE AT ALL? YOU ARE GOING TO INFECT US ALL!”
Oh, and the eye. My nasty eye irritation was completely my fault. My optometrist never told me that I have to dump my contact fluid every time that I use my contacts.
So…I used the same fluid for about three weeks.
Every one that I have told this to has gasped in horror as if I just realized that an oven is an inappropriate place to let a toddler sleep. Pfft.
Well, I chucked the bacteria-filled contacts and fluid, and my eye is much better. With clear eyes, a clean apartment, fresh diet, and enough sleep, so I begin again.
New readers: BWE (Best Week Ever) is a “week in review” post series, and no, this blog hasn’t gone NC-17: the title is a juggling reference.
The semester has definitely started. Week #2 was marked by my extremely off-kilter sleep schedule. I woke up every day between 2 and 4 a.m., read, went to class, and wasted my afternoons in a zombie-like state. This cycle was self-reinforcing and pretty awful.
I finally normalized my sleep schedule in week 3, and also made a commitment to walk Harley around a lake every day. I was good about keeping my promise…even if it involved dragging a very confused bulmastiff at a speed-walking pace 30 minutes before class.
And classes? They fit into three categories:
Light Reading: (Employment Law and Modern Real Estate.) These subjects are easy after taking Property and spending my summer with ERISA and Worker’s Comp claims.
Judicial WTF: (Conflicts and Constitutional Law II.) I decided that I have been over thinking both of these courses. The cases do not make sense because the judges are making stuff up to reach what they think it is right result (the dissents say as much). I have accepted this and I am going to quit trying to rationalize the opinions and just go with the arbitrary-as-heck frameworks.
And then there’s Tax. Oh my goodness. I like all of my classes this semester, but Tax is probably my favorite. The only problem is that there is so much information. Sure, there’s Glenshaw, Glenshaw, Glenshaw… but my classmates and I are becoming alarmed by the sheer amount of content (cases, regulatory rulings, codes…) covered in class. I need to stay on top of outlining this course or else I am royally screwed.
My 17-credit class schedule is pretty front-loaded, which means that I spend the end of the week and some of the weekend at work. I really enjoy my job and hope to stay on after graduation…this will involve a combination of staying productive, luck (ie, they need to have an opening), and keeping the RuPaul moments to a minimum.
The past two weekends also involved a lot of hanging out. For some reason my social life has really kicked off this semester, and so has my dating life.
I generally don’t write about dating because a lot of the guys read this blog (hi!), but I think it’s fair to say that the guys I’m running into generally fit into three categories:
The E-Ballers: These are the guys who are all about texting, messaging, and calling – what’s up cutie? – but then when we hang out in person, they act completely nonchalant and uninterested.
The MIA: Unlike the E-Ballers, these guys are impossible to communicate with via text or messaging. Somehow, after one-line responses and neglect, we hang out and they randomly channel Natasha Bedingfield. Maybe I’m only interesting in person?
Bedingfields: These guys are uber-aggressive, all flattery with no tact. These are the guys lighting up my phone with texts, and in person they say things like, “You are the perfect guy for me.” …which, if I have only known you for a week really translates to “Hello, my name is crazy. RUN.”
And run I shall. An aggressive guy is nice, but please, don’t propose to me if you can’t remember my last name or what city I’m from. Ugh. We’ll see how things play out this week. Maybe someone will break the trend?
I picked my classes based on subject matter without regard to timing… so it was about 2pm Monday afternoon when I realized that I had four classes scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday.
I was also really sick last weekend, so I began school drugged-out on cold medicine so I wouldn’t be “disgusting snot guy.” Instead of being disgusting snot guy I just walked around looking mildly dazed, disoriented, and stuffy…so I guess I blended in with the 1Ls? Maybe not…
And while I suspected that this week would be a disaster, it wasn’t. Here’s a play-by-play of the classes and professors:
Tax: I like that UMN has managed to assemble a mix of scholars and practitioners. My tax professor is a partner at one of the biggest firms in the city. He made it very clear (among other things) that he wasn’t an academic.This should be interesting…
My mother still claims me on her taxes, so I felt like one of the few people in the room who has never looked at a 1040 form. I just need to spend some more time with it and figure how all those below-the-line deductions work.
My professor began each class with a raffle. During the first class he raffled off textbooks, and during the second class he raffled off basketball tickets. I’m not sure what that’s about…
Modern Real Estate: This class is hilarious. My professor used to practice real estate law, and looks like she stepped right out of a Talbots ad. Professor E. can compete with any flashy real estate broker in the fashion department. We are always excited to see what each day’s ensemble will be.
Conflicts: Conflicts is with Professor V, who was my Civil Procedure professor. Professor V is super-organized and uses slides filled with flow charts and tables that simplify what seem like hopelessly complex concepts. The only problem I have with Conflicts is that it still feels crazy that a court can apply different sets of laws to different issues within one case. Professor V claims that this is an “opportunity for advocacy” but I suspect that is only true after we get over the mountain-sized learning curve.
Professor L (looking down at the podium): “Mrs. Smith?” Cindy Smith: “Here!” Professor L (looking up): “Where? I just hear a voice. Hah. Hearing voices…that’s all I need…”
Professor L: “Let me read from the 14th amendment real quick. Hm. Wait, I momentarily forgot how to read roman numerals.”
Professor L (tripping over a wire): “Sorry. There’s a little wire here. I’ll probably fall on my face at some point…”
My Employment Law professor began each class by blasting music. It’s a little strange, but I think he’s trying to be “fun.” At least the class isn’t super-early…
On Tuesday I was one of the first people at the school cafeteria. The coffee wasn’t ready yet so the Barista asked me if he could give me an Americano instead.
I agreed, although I didn’t know what an Americano was at the time.
I got hooked.
Americanos are basically the same price as coffee, but have that bitter-taste that I love. I didn’t realize until I was up to three Americanos per day that each drink contains four shots of espresso… 12 shots of espresso per day… no wonder I was so bubbly my first week!
