The dating circus

I returned to the dating circus and so it is time to update my list of characters. Let’s review:

1. The Bedingfield: This guy is over-enthusiastic to the brink of stalkerdom, “Hi! Nice to meet you. I love your eyes! We should totally get married. What’s your name again?”

2. The E-Baller: He fills up your facebook inbox but acts completely bored when you hang out. Am I talking to your assistant online?

3. The Fair-Weather: He’s in love, as long as you are in front of him. This guy is completely enamored in-person but takes a week to respond to a facebook or text message. Might need to borrow the E-Baller’s secretary.

4. The Faux-Friend: Your jealous boyfriend…who isn’t your boyfriend. This is the guy who claims he wants friendship but what he really wants is Ken – the boyfriend without the sex.The faux-friend wants to take you to the movies, the gym and the bar. He will text you and call to ask how your day was. But beware, the second you look at another guy, sirens turn on and he rings the alarm.

The faux-friend will not actually date you, but he is perfectly happy to cause unnecessary drama as he glares down his perceived competition at the bar like a hyena in heat. Avoid at all costs.

5. The Poltergeist: The Poltergeist is similar to the Fair-Weather, but way more irritating. This is the guy who disappears after an amazing date and then reincarnates as a ghost rapping at your online-door. The poltergeist will “like” a facebook update, or shoot a text once every few weeks along the lines of “Hey we should hang out!” only to disappear again… these guys are like reoccurring outbreaks of H1N1, and it’s time to be vaccinated.

There are several new categories, mostly specific to online dating.

6. Toast: Toast is the perfectly nice but utterly boring guy who always forces you to exchange pleasantries online. You have a brief conversation about your day (or the weather) that fizzles quickly. But don’t worry, you’ll have the same exact conversation a few days later. He’s too shy to ask you out , and too boring to be asked out so you are stuck repeating these shallow conversations because there’s no polite way to say “I don’t give a shit how you are today.”

7. The Rash: He’s like catching poison ivy. He will message you on every dating site, at once, and won’t go away until you go to Walgreens and buy some anti-itch creme. Ignoring him is best tactic. Responding will only encourage him to make a fake profile just to keep bothering you. (Yes, this happens.)

And don’t worry about running into the Rash at the bar. Like the E-Baller, these guys have social anxiety problems and scurry like roaches when you glare at them in a social setting.

8. The Vamp: This is the sluttacious guy who is just waiting to share his love bumps.”Hi, how are you? My name is John. Want to be the latest guest of my love dugeon of desire?”

Um, no.

9. The Extra: He’s cute! You chatted him up on a dating site or at a bar, became facebook friends, and promptly stopped talking to eachother. You run into him all the time now. He is at the grocery store, club and the lake. You smile politely, wave, and continue ignoring each other. And the weird thing about The Extra is that you would probably get along with him enough to become real-friends, and yet nothing ever happens.

It’s the almost-missed connection that keeps repeating itself.

As you can see, this is a very busy circus. Tickets available at Ticketmaster or at your local Pump’N'Munch gas station.