I am sitting near a middle aged man who is a caricature of a slimy Hollywood producer – facelift, all black clothes, tasseled shoes, bluetooth in ear, and a really glossy facelift.

Hair plugs’ victim [...]]]> I’m at Dunn Brothers and trying hard to not laugh. Minneapolis cafes are prime territory for awkward conversations, and this is precious.

I am sitting near a middle aged man who is a caricature of a slimy Hollywood producer – facelift, all black clothes, tasseled shoes, bluetooth in ear, and a really glossy facelift.

Hair plugs’ victim is a cute, 20-something year old girl.

H.P. is rambling about LA, the music industry, and dropping names. He retreats, says goodbye, and then comes back and starts up again. It is absolutely horrid and uncomfortable.

The ridicule on this girl’s face is priceless. The best quote, before H.P. gives her his “digits”  and finally leaves, was this:

H.P.: “What you do is get $2,000 in cash in 50′s and 20’s for escape money. In L.A. you always need escape money.”

I do not want to know.

When I came back to the apartment this afternoon to find a FexEx sticker on the front door of the [...]]]> I spent the morning at the Uptown Dunn Brothers my nose in my Ableton manual. I ordered Ableton last week, but it ships from from Berlin so I run the demo version on my school laptop.

When I came back to the apartment this afternoon to find a FexEx sticker on the front door of the building. Apparently Ableton arrived! The mailboxes for my apartment are tiny, so tomorrow includes an adventure to find the St. Paul FedEx facility…which might be a disaster…

After the dog walk, I jump in my car and try to head to school, but my neighborhood is gridlocked. There are no left hand turn signals to the highway onramp, and there is a fender-bender at the intersection I need to turn at.

So I cut someone off, bypass my regular on ramp, and decide to go through downtown… except the traffic is at a standstill at the next light as well because there is ANOTHER fender-bender at my left-hand turn lane.

I look at the clock. It’s 4:30. Class starts at 4:30, and I hate being late. I think being late is obnoxious,  especially when there is a guest speaker. Yesterday over a third of the class was late. We had a guest speaker, and it was embarrassing to watch people come in and disrupt her. It was as if people strolled in and flipped her off.

15 minutes and 20 feet later, I realize that I was not making progress. My neighborhood is hopelessly gridlocked. It is time to go to work. I did not plan on going to work today, but I stayed at work until midnight. Hmmf. At least things cooled down for the evening dog walk.

Well, the café isn’t a brothel, but apparently there was one upstairs.

I mentioned the café before because of the odd naked mannequin in the back: Well, after the story of the brothel broke, the people who live up there put a sign [...]]]> Some people asked why I refer to the Uptown Dunn Brothers Café as “the brothel.”

Well, the café isn’t a brothel, but apparently there was one upstairs.

I mentioned the café before because of the odd naked mannequin in the back:


Well, after the story of the brothel broke, the people who live up there put a sign on their door: “THIS IS NOT THE BROTHEL! THE BROTHEL IS ON HENNEPIN!”

Apparently they got a few unwanted visitors seeking a happy ending with their latte.

Stay classy Minneapolis.

Poor thing.

January: The semester starts.

Hulk: “Wow! You smell great! What are you wearing?” Me: “Oh thanks, it’s Abercrombie.” Hulk: “Is it Fierce?” Me: “Why yes, it is fierce.” Hulk: “I like it! I just wish they would bring [...]]]> I walk into Dunn Brothers before work this morning and there is a tall barista who I have never seen before. The hulking Barista looks surprised:

Hulk: “Wow! You smell great! What are you wearing?”
Me: “Oh thanks, it’s Abercrombie.”
Hulk: “Is it Fierce?”
Me: “Why yes, it is fierce.”
Hulk: “I like it! I just wish they would bring back the original Abercrombie scent, you know, the one from when we were both in high school!”
Me: “Uh, when were you in high school?”
Hulk: “Mid to late 90’s…”
Me: “I’m not that old.”

I graduated high school in 2004, but at least he didn’t think I was in my early 30′s like everyone else… 

The other night at Brett’s shindig was the worst:

Brett: “You look like you are 33, but you are probably much older because you age well… are you 38?”

No, I am not 38. I am 23, and I don’t know what to think.

I finally got cracking on studying for international tax law today. I am close to halfway through. Maybe. I will put in a few more hours at home because Dunn Brothers is about to close, and the Barista looks [...]]]> See, in law school Saturdays are off the chain. Behold:

How do I contain myself? Someone call Lindsay…

I finally got cracking on studying for international tax law today. I am close to halfway through. Maybe. I will put in a few more hours at home because Dunn Brothers is about to close, and the Barista looks like she’s about to crack some heads open to clear the place out…

Last night Juddson and I saw Iron Man II at the fancy theater in St. Louis Park. I did not care for the first Iron Man movie, but the sequel was exciting. It had a plot. It had action. There was character development, decent special affects, and the obligatory Kill-Bill style female-kick-ass scene. Vöt!.

After letting the dogs out, we went to Stadium Village and ate at Bona, a Vietnamese restaurant, where the waitress would not make eye contact with us.

When we got back to my car, I opened my trunk and fetched a bottle of mouthwash. The mouthwash was needed because I did not have any gum and my freshness was compromised by the onion-licious dinner. As I dug through my trunk for the mouthwash, a random girl parked at the meter behind us spoke:

Mei-Ling: “Do you know anything about cars?”
Me: “I’m fabulous. Of course not.”
Mei-Ling: “Oh, my car won’t start…”
Me: “Did you leave the lights on?”
Mei-Ling: “No.”
Me: “Has it done this before?”
Mei-Ling: “No, well, yes. Once.”
Me: “Hm. Sorry. I would do more harm than good.”
Mei-Ling: “Can you at least wait for my dad to come so he can take your meter spot to help me?”
Me: “…uh, sure.”

Juddson was unamused, but we didn’t want poor Mei-Ling to be raped and murdered, so he fetched gum from the market across the street while I waited for Mei-Ling’s father to show up. We were late for Jeff’s shindig, but we were tardy because we are gentlemen.

The shindig was at Jetset, which was actually busy for once. Jetset is mostly a stand, pose, and bitch bar. Naturally, we did all three. There was even a guest appearance by Mobs, who is done with his two finals. And yes, I hissed at him. Ugh…

Juddson insists that it snowed when we left Jetset. I didn’t notice, but I discovered at work today that the bananas I left in my trunk had frozen. It was like dessert. Mm…

Of course I am tired now, but I will attempt to rally and get more international tax studying done. Possibly, maybe. We’ll see. One more week and finals are done. Woo…

Update – I did not finish this post before I left Dunn Brothers. I leave the cafe and call Phillp while driving home. I park in front of my building and say,

Me: “Uh oh, I think I am about to be rear ended.”
Phillip: “Oh no…”

I am already outside of my car when a smoking car comes barreling down the street. The driver stops less than a foot behind my bumper. I make eye contact with the driver as I fetch my books from my backseat. The driver looks like he is holding his breath.

The driver then opens the door and THROWS UP ALL OVER THE STREET. I avoid eye contact and scurry into my building.

Me: “Random driver just yarked all over the street!”
Phillp: “Dennis, these things always seem to happen to you. I don’t usually read blogs, but I read your blog every day because there is always SOMETHING like this going on. You know you’re going to get shot again before you move from Minneapolis right?”
Me: “WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY!”
Phillp: “I know! But I’m just saying… you KNOW it’s true.”

Ugh. Damn it. I am going to bed.

Update II: So of course the second I go to bed my apartment is floodlit by a fire truck, randomly parked in front of the building…I am so over this neighborhood…

There is a bloated, 15-person group in the corner which looks like a book club. Tonight’s theme is “outsiders and specialness” and the conversation contains such gems as:

Middle [...]]]> I am so glad that one of my coworkers is at Dunn Brothers tonight. Now I am not the only witness to the batshit-crazy going on the corner.

There is a bloated, 15-person group in the corner which looks like a book club. Tonight’s theme is “outsiders and specialness” and the conversation contains such gems as:

Middle Aged Lady: “Can I tell you guys something? When I was young I thought I was special. I thought was really special! I thought I was so special that I thought I would have a virgin birth! And it has taken me 55 years to realize I AM NOT SPECIAL. I AM NOT SPECIAL AT ALL!”

Let this be a warning: if you have a crazy group discussion in a coffeeshop during late April it will be documented by a snide procrastinating law student. I promise.

Update: “Wild-eyed long-hair guy” seated next to our Wilting-Madonna caught me laughing at the group discussion. Eek! Time to meet up with Judd at the Bad Waitress before I get stoned by the “Special Mob.”

I first noticed a naked, oddly painted mannequin on the balcony of the apartment above the café. Then, when I got inside of the café, I set my stuff down and went towards the restroom. I opened the door and surprised a little old man who apparently didn’t [...]]]> Things got a little weird at Dunn Brothers yesterday.

I first noticed a naked, oddly painted mannequin on the balcony of the apartment above the café.

Then, when I got inside of the café, I set my stuff down and went towards the restroom. I opened the door and surprised a little old man who apparently didn’t know how to work the door lock. I was horrified. I quickly closed the door as he started peeing on the wall in shock. SO embarrassing.

I then sat back down and recognized a nearby gay couple. They were at this Dunn Brothers cafe the last time I was here, last September.

They are an odd couple, not only because one of them looks like Tracy Morgan, but because they had one those “status of the relationship/our feelings” conversations that is WAY too intimate for a crowded café. It was gloriously awkward, and my friend Mike and I were amused.

So of course, five months later, I run into this same couple in the middle of the very same awkwardly intimate conversation. Déjà vu!

A hearse pulled  into the parking lot as I left the cafe.

There was blood (hopefully) painted on the back window of the hearse, which was driven by a soda-toting hipster who I’m pretty sure lives in the naked-mannequin apartment. Somehow that’s not surprising.

We had a mannequin as our floor mascot in the dorms one year. The freshmen found it in South Beach, brought it back to campus in cab, and clothed it with stolen clothes from the laundry room. It rotated from room to room, and was pretty random, and fun. I kinda want a mannequin now…