Tag Archives: hilarity

Notes on a bad first date

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As mentioned in yesterday’s vlog, Jamie and I had the opportunity to observe a very public, very awful first-date at the Freighthouse.

Here are the best quotes:

400-pound-man: “I got home and the Antique Roadshow was on, so of course I watched it until 6am!”

400-pound-man: “And I woke up the next day and was like: “WHO WAS THAT LITTLE GREEN GUY DRIVING THE CAR AND WHO CRAPPED ON MY LAWN!?”

Jamie grabs my laptop, opens MS Word and writes:

Jamie: This guy doesn’t shut up. I feel sorry for this girl. So far it has been determined- by me- that he is a drunk and trying too hard. I think she has completed three full sentences and one was about her coming home from work on Friday and having a bottle of wine.

Jamie (quoting the guy): “It’s not like I am a drunk, I am a social person that likes to have fun.” Definitely a first date- and if either of them had any standards it would be the last. He is so not self-monitoring.

Me (typing): And you thought the mall-cop was bad…

Me (typing): But seriously, they aren’t THAT entertaining to make up for what you’re losing in productivity…

Jamie (typing): Though the legal lady and these two are definitely making it all worthwhile!

Trouble…

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How to tell when your significant other thinks you blog too much:

Jamie: “Are you going to blog about how I made you go on an awkward double date with two of my ex’s that I’m trying to hook up?”

(two hours later)

Jamie: “You’re going to blog about this aren’t you?”

(at the end of the night)

Jamie: “DONT BLOG ABOUT THIS!”

(right now, as he’s reading this over my shoulder)

Jamie: “I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!”

…blog about what dear?

More than Bitterly Cold?

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I went to Frank’s Hotdogs last night and had a chat with the owner (?) she’s a middle aged lady with several kids:

Owner: “So where ya from?”
Me: “I moved from Miami this past August.”
Owner: “OH MY GOD! You poor thing! You must think we’re crazy to live out here in this cold!”
Me: “Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s all about dressing appropriately…”

And then I wake up this morning and check the weather…

And the horror continued as I scrolled down the page…

…um.

Now there are SEVERAL problems with this.

Problem #1: The “feels like” temperature for today is -30.

I cannot fathom. Seriously. I cannot… but, I will have to because I have a torts final in an hour.

Problem #2: “Dangerous” wind chill of -40.

How fast is this wind blowing? 20, or maybe 30mph. I walk to school. Over the Mississippi. On this long-ass bridge:

Problem #3: (and this is the kicker) for tomorrow the high is -18. The description says, “bitterly cold.”

Dear weather channel.com: you’ve set me back a full 10 minutes because I have wrap my mind around this fuckery.

If -18 is bitterly cold…what the heck do you call today’s “feels like” -30?

They haven’t come up with a word have they?  You sent Timmy the Intern outside to feel the -30 and he never came back! Timmy, I have your back. I’ll never forget!

Now there is a positive to all of this: I’m so preoccupied with being offended at the weather (and the weather channel.com!) that the final is not even a remote concern.